How Did I End Up Here?
“How did I get to this point?” I kept asking myself nervously and guiltily, during the two-hour train ride. I’m a father, provider, protector, moral beacon, and compass. I thought I knew and owned my shit, but clearly, I didn’t!
On the one hand, it felt so wrong to be doing this, a betrayal of my family, my ex-partner—a woman, and our kids. And a betrayal of what I had always thought was right. Yet, something I couldn’t pinpoint was telling me I needed to take this step, that, shockingly, in doing so I might finally find some clarity and truth in my life.
It was one of those days I will never forget. It was the Spring of 1999, probably in late March, just after my birthday. It was on a Saturday afternoon. I walked into the less than crowded gym, and there he stood — a somewhat muscular, attractive, Italian man with a greying buzzed haircut.
When I first heard the Turkish word sevici, I had no idea what it meant. Though literally translated it means lover, it seems the patriarchal Turkish society adopted it to refer to lesbians, a kinder word for bullying its gay women than the one used against their male counterparts, ibne, which is more similar to the derogatory English term “fags.”
—
It was late evening, as just about everything was at Studio 54. I can’t remember who got me the interview, somebody I met in Cahoots, I think, the Upper West Side gay bar where they had little paper pads that said “Who were you in Cahoots with?” so you could write down your number for someone you wanted to meet up with some other time. 
I don’t like parties, but I had promised I’d attend this one birthday gathering at a ritzy pub in Istanbul, where I live. The upscale establishment allowed my friend to showcase his sense of eliteness. The closeted birthday boy had invited many women—his attempt to preserve his hetero image. The guests were mostly straight. I only knew one other person, his closest buddy, a short guy, well built with tattoos on his shoulder. He was closeted, or at least bisexual. Everyone seemed attracted to him. He was very seductive.
PODCAST: Interviews by baby-boomer LGBTQ historian Mike Balaban, with a diverse guest list, covering issues and themes from the global LGBTQ community.
